Madness of love
From SUNNY SMILE, writings
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Madness of love
A few years ago I saw a beautiful lady, and when I looked at her for the first time she smiled at me, and her smile seemed to me like a warm ray of sunshine on a cold winter day. And for this very special smile I am going to call her SUNNY SMILE; since it would be better not to use her real name in my writings. I looked at her with such warm feeling into my heart, and I thought at once that I could fall in love with her. The reason or the fear of falling in love was that she reminded me of a certain girl, that I gave a lift to her home after dancing with her at a public dancing Hall. After that first time I tried to befriend her, because I was really attracted to her, but all my efforts were to be in vain, but I was aware that I would fall in love with her, if only she would give me the chance.
So, now since Sunny Smile was looking very much the same as her, I was falling in love with her at first sight. But I pulled myself together and said to myself: Why I look at this Lady and think to love her at first sight?! As if I have seen my ideal woman for the first time in my life!
So I looked at my position and said to myself; why I am thinking about loving her since it is wrong. Because I am a married man and I have three beautiful children, and my wife is pretty too, if only she would make the effort of looking after herself a bit more. And as it happens also Sunny Smile is married, and she is married to a husband, which can afford a higher standard of living than I can ever be able to afford. So, what’s wrong with me! Why I do think about falling in love with her?
Having said that to myself I put my heart at rest and from that day onward whenever I saw her I never thought of love anymore or anything else that would indicate then, that one day I would be sexually attracted to her and fall in love with her.
The fact that I saw her living on a higher standard of living, that I could ever afford to give her; and the fact that I imagined her, as if she was on a higher level socially than I was; because I felt as if she was a noble woman and I was a commoner, all these things stopped me thinking of any possible love happenings between us.
So, nowadays I could say that, I have been in love with her in the most pure way possible for a very long time without knowing it; because, I didn’t have any sexual desires, when I have met her several times later on, and this state of mind went on for several years: But every time that I saw her she was a great delight to my eyes, and as the time went by to me she seemed even more beautiful than when I met her the first time. And these pure love feelings went on for a very long time, and I mean many years, and they could still be going on, if things had not changed and had stayed the way they were.
But one day I met Sunny Smile when I was shopping, and I simply asked her: How are you?
And she answered me back; I am all right, but you know that I am divorced now!
What a great shock it was for me! To me only a madman would divorce such a beautiful Lady.
And while I was still in shock from the news of her divorce; as a reaction and without thinking I asked her. How do you manage now?
And here is the most unexpected answer of them all, and a real shocker it was to me. And these are more or less the words she used to answer me.
My womb rumbles, but I love my children, and I am all right.
O my God! Why she had to express herself that way? Why? Why she had to say to me my womb rumbles!? Does she mean that she is suffering the withdrawals from her active sex life? But only because she loves her children, she is able to cope with her loss of love making that she enjoyed so much. To me those words she used sounded like pains and despair in her heart, and although she could put up with it perhaps temporary, it would be hard for her in the long run, and one day she might want to find another husband or lover. But since she had stated her sex problem to me, I as a man felt that it was almost like in invitation to make love her. And from that moment my mind started thinking about Sunny Smile.
O my God! I that had forbidden myself to love her even within my own mind: Because she seemed so great and beautiful to me; because she seemed so high up that I could never be able to reach her; because she seemed to me an impossible love dream to achieve. That was as long as she was married; but now she has divorced and her marriage is gone.
Now since she has divorced she is free again. So, now all the fences that I had built around me to keep away any thoughts of love are useless. Because they have been destroyed by a single word; divorce. And now I can think about her as a possible dream of love.
This is indeed Madness of love, because, alas poor me! At the very moment that my love dream was born, I was transported in cloud nine, and while I was in love I could never see, think or believe, that my love dream could and would become the greatest shock of my life. Because this love dream of mine has never been realized up to nowadays, but never the less it became the most important moment of my life, and it made me understand what love really is, since I had to behold within myself what a woman’s love can do to a man’s heart, that is when a man really falls in love with his sweetheart. You see there is no way to avoid this state of mind, because this power that I felt is God given power, which Mother-nature in conjunction with God uses to reproduce life on earth: But it is sometimes so strong that may send a man crazy. So I was shocked. And what a shock it was!
There is also another inner feeling that has made me behave as I did, and at this point it would be better for me to say it, that is when I saw this lady Sunny Smile for the first time, she was standing up in a small veranda, and I thought that she was very much alike, the statue of the Madonna our Lady of Grace, which we used to take around the town of Genzano, which is the town that I come from in Italy. We carry this Madonna on our shoulder in a procession when it is due time, and when I was young I have had the honour to carry this Madonna on my own shoulders, in a few religious events a long time ago. Everybody over there thinks that the statue of this Madonna is one of the most beautiful Madonna’s around.
Now because of Sunny Smile resemblance to this Madonna; Sunny Smile became readily a symbol of respect within my heart and mind.
But this pure respect that I had for Sunny Smile didn’t stop me to fall in love with her later on, and it seems to me that, perhaps it only brought my falling in love with her at a higher level.
Because, love, which is the greatest and most beautiful emotion of our life, rumbled so much inside me that in the end; I saw love, and only love, and nothing else but love.
And now that I know that I have fallen in love with Sunny Smile, I wish that I would find the courage to say to her, that famous short phrase that lovers say: I love you!
But even if I get the chance to talk to her, and find to courage to say to her, I love you. Just the phrase, I love you, for me would not be enough, because I love her too much, as I love her beyond any human understanding.
And this love for her makes me feel love sick lots of times. So, today I feel love sick as love sick can be. It because this love force in my heart drives me so hard, and it makes me wish that I should meet Sunny Smile somehow, I long so much to talk to her even if it is only for a moment, and in that moment of time I hope to have the courage to say to her, I love you! But what can I do? Because of the circumstances everything has been left to chance. So I ask myself whether it would be wise for me if I could write a letter to her and say, just how much I love her.
So, in my Madness of love, I think that I will do just that, and I will write her a letter to pacify my own heart: Just how the old song goes; I sit right down and write myself a letter, and make believe that it came from you.
Madness of love
IS TO BE CONTINUED:
Next time with, Madness of love 2
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